Perhaps it was that my roommate woke me at 5 am this morning, or that I ate an entire bag of licorice and I was rethinking that marvelously thought-out-choice. Or perhaps my soul needed to be awoken and my body had no choice. It was something a friend said over lunch,
"When you came back from Sweden you were really quiet and more calm, but now you've kind of settled back in and are the crazy Eleah again."
I was certain he meant it for good, but my heart keeps reiterating the words. I keep wondering about the steps I took to get here, and I am disheartened. Has the time studying at university been so time consuming that I have neglected the reason I went in the first place? One professor is certain we all need a masters before entering the mission field, but I am not sure I agree. Sure, more training so we don't all go out and make idiots of ourselves and end up failing unnecessarily. But what about going. I know if I had waited until I knew what I was doing I would have never gone to Sweden.
We make mistakes while in missions, it's a given. But should we let our fear of mistakes drive us or rather a character in Christ? This is something that I am convicted about. Character. Many times I look at my life and wonder why I let it be so boring. It is boring when we fill it with things that don't measure up to the life God calls us to. Walking with God should not be boring. It is passionate, it is moving, and it is an adventure.
I spend so much time wondering what I think my theology is that I don't go out and do theology. Because if it isn't changing you to be more like Christ than it is Pharisee life, and that is boring. We need to be not only hearers of the word but doers of it (James 1.22-25). Embracing what God is doing in us (Rom. 8).
But this is not wasted time to have failed. It would be to do nothing about it from here. Does anyone else feel this way?
